First, we went to chibi-chan's house for party:
-tacos
-M&Ms
-Sherlock Holmes Movie
-Win
(I lost the game)
Then, post prom:
-Bouncy blow up things
-air hockey
-pinball
-food
-bands
-tiki bar (w/ little umbrellas X3)
-prizes
-Yay!
....
I may include more specific details tomorrow. I'm too tired right now :)
...I'm not sure why, but I've been feeling a giant blow to my self-esteem today. I'm not even totally sure why. I just feel ugly and ordinary and invisible. Lonliness and invisibility are probably my greatest fears, which is kinda hypocritical, because I'm a shy person and do not make friends easily so I pretty much bring my fears unto myself. I know that I have a problem and I'm working really hard to fix it. I joined the worship team. I talk and participate in class sometimes. I wave to people in the hallway. I have the most friends right now that I've ever had in my life. And they're all really close and great friends! They are awesome and beautiful people and I sometimes get this overwhelming feeling that I don't deserve friends like this. I'm fat and ugly and I don't talk to people easily - and when I do talk, I can be horribly cold and say stupid things sometimes. I'm incredibly mediocre at so many things. Its like, people have all these blessings and they're really good at certain things--I feel like I'm "good" at a lot of things, but I'm never "great" at anything. I'm not totally sure what my place is in this world. I know I have some kind of place --I'm not sure what it is, but God always has a plan. It would just be nice to know sometimes what that plan is so we can stop feeling so useless.
I don't think I've ever told anyone this, but sometimes I feel like I've been put on the earth to die for someone. Its a totally romantic kind of thought -- that my life's purpose is to sacrifice myself for someone else. I don't know if its paranoia or what, but I have always felt that I'm not going to live long enough to die of natural causes. At first, when I was around the ages of 4-10, that possibility scared me. I didn't like to think about the vast unknowns of death and the nature of the universe and deep stuff like that. But sometimes the thoughts popped into my mind and they scared me so overwhelmingly that I would cry myself to sleep for weeks at a time. Sometimes, my mom heard me and came in to comfort me. I just told her I was afraid of dying and she said that it wasn't going to happen any time soon. I just nodded and kept crying into her shoulder. Then, I started actually believing in God somewhere around 6th Grade. I mean, I said I believed in Him for a while, but I never really knew what that meant and I spared no thought for Him outside of church. I matured and started understanding things a little better. I still acted immature, but I thought more maturely when I wasn't surrounded by the peer pressure to do mean things to conform with the group.
One day, I remember as a really pivotal moment in my journey to belief is when I was sitting in the car with my mom. I think we were out shopping or something like that. The song "Me and Jesus" by Stellar Kart came on. I said, "This song must be really popular. I hear it every time I'm in the car and we're listening to the radio!" and it was true - it was on every single time. Then, my mom said, "Really? I hardly ever hear this song! Hmm...Maybe this is God's way of telling you something?" I was stunned. It had never occurred to me that God, the "Almighty One" who created everything, could care enough about me to speak to me individually and through music. The lyrics are this:
When there's nowhere else to turn
All your bridges have been burned
Feels like you've hit rock bottom.
Don't give up - its not the end.
Open up your heart again.
When it feels like no one understands
Where you are:
Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know?
You got me and Jesus!
By your side - through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus!
After all that we've been through
By now you know I've doubted, too.
But every time my head was in my hands,
You said to me:
Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so,
Don't you know?
You got me and Jesus.
By your side - through the fight,
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus.
Hold on to what we got
This is worth any cost
So make the most of life
That's borrowed
Love like there's no tomorrow!
Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so,
Don't you know?
You got me and Jesus.
By your side - through the fight,
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus.
Even when you don't think so,
Don't you know?
You got me and Jesus.
By your side - through the fight,
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus!
Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so,
Don't you know?
You got me and Jesus.
You will never be alone - you got me and Jesus!
All your bridges have been burned
Feels like you've hit rock bottom.
Don't give up - its not the end.
Open up your heart again.
When it feels like no one understands
Where you are:
Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so
Don't you know?
You got me and Jesus!
By your side - through the fight
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus!
After all that we've been through
By now you know I've doubted, too.
But every time my head was in my hands,
You said to me:
Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so,
Don't you know?
You got me and Jesus.
By your side - through the fight,
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus.
Hold on to what we got
This is worth any cost
So make the most of life
That's borrowed
Love like there's no tomorrow!
Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so,
Don't you know?
You got me and Jesus.
By your side - through the fight,
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus.
Even when you don't think so,
Don't you know?
You got me and Jesus.
By your side - through the fight,
You will never be alone
On your own
You got me and Jesus!
Someone loves you
Even when you don't think so,
Don't you know?
You got me and Jesus.
You will never be alone - you got me and Jesus!
That moment made me realize that God does talk to you! You just have to listen! From then, I started to clean up my act. I realized how badly I was acting and worked to fix myself so that I could stop being a bad person. I'm still working on that goal.
Also, when I started believing in God, the prospect of death didn't scare me as much anymore. I accepted it. I am still sad when people die, but death just isn't as scary. One part of "Marvelous Light" by Charlie Hall really sums up how I changed:
Sin has lost its power.
Death has lost its sting.
But even with all this faith in this stuff, I still have my doubts and my weaknesses that are still in need of improvement. I have a wonderful, happy family and amazing friends, but I still feel overwhelmingly lonely sometimes. I'm not entirely sure why. I'm still really shy and cold to people I don't know incredibly well. I can't even show my friends all sides of me yet! But I also feel invisible and hate that feeling so much!
And one odd fear that I don't totally understand: I have a fear of large, open spaces. They are pretty to look at, but not to be in. It could stem from my fear of loneliness. It is also the reason my room is messy (yeah, right. now I'm just making excuses!) But really, after I clean my room, my room scares me. It seems so empty and large and my bed is right in the middle of it. I can't sleep without curling up in fetal position after my room is clean. When my room is cluttered, it feels smaller and less empty, so I'm comfortable, even if it means I can't see my floor.
Now, all that angsty stuff is out, I actually feel better. These flashes of emotion come and go often and at inconveniant times...I'm sorry if I made anyone sad :(
Now, I really have to go to sleep. I spent an hour writing this. It is now 7:13am and my family is waking up. So I need to be asleep!
~otaku-chan~
Also, when I started believing in God, the prospect of death didn't scare me as much anymore. I accepted it. I am still sad when people die, but death just isn't as scary. One part of "Marvelous Light" by Charlie Hall really sums up how I changed:
Sin has lost its power.
Death has lost its sting.
That's how I felt when I was reborn and accepted God into my life. I accepted death. Now, that doesn't mean I'm going to take it lightly. It is a serious thing. I'm just not going to fear it anymore. My paranoia that I'm going to die early as a sacrifice for someone else is still here -- the difference is that I accept that as a good way to die. It would mean my life held meaning. I've actually straight-out said to God, "If you want for my life to be used to help someone else find you and follow you, I'm fine with that. It may still scare me, just a little bit, but I think you know best and I know that if I die, I will live on and if my death somehow helps someone else to the same fate, I'm all for it!" I think that's what it means to be a fully devoted follower of God -- to give up your own life (literally or figuratively--if that makes any sense at all...kinda like, giving up your "lifestyle") in order to follow God's will instead of your own. I didn't know it at the time, but maybe this seemingly-romantic willingness for self-sacrifice was a huge step for me to take towards God. Since I've made that decision (probably about 6-12 months ago) I've noticed myself changing. I think about what God's will is often and wonder if I'm doing the right thing to follow it. Fears that I used to have are gone. I'm not afraid of roller coasters. I can get do oral presentations without an incredible amount of nervousness. I am comfortable getting in front of 150 people on stage and singing!
Related to my joining of the worship team -- You may or may not remember my first time up on stage. A quick recap: it went fine until the pastor announced the death of a man at my church and we prayed for him for about five minutes, it was too much and I cried. On stage. In front of all those people. I think that experience is the kind of self-sacrifice that God wants me to do. I cried and completely embarrassed myself in front of all those people. But maybe that outburst was used to allow someone in the congregation to see that it is okay to cry, or something like that. I don't know the exact reason, but I definitely had the feeling that I was being used. After the initial embarrassment, I was actually okay with it. It made me happy and I look back on that as a positive experience instead of a negative one!
Related to my joining of the worship team -- You may or may not remember my first time up on stage. A quick recap: it went fine until the pastor announced the death of a man at my church and we prayed for him for about five minutes, it was too much and I cried. On stage. In front of all those people. I think that experience is the kind of self-sacrifice that God wants me to do. I cried and completely embarrassed myself in front of all those people. But maybe that outburst was used to allow someone in the congregation to see that it is okay to cry, or something like that. I don't know the exact reason, but I definitely had the feeling that I was being used. After the initial embarrassment, I was actually okay with it. It made me happy and I look back on that as a positive experience instead of a negative one!
And one odd fear that I don't totally understand: I have a fear of large, open spaces. They are pretty to look at, but not to be in. It could stem from my fear of loneliness. It is also the reason my room is messy (yeah, right. now I'm just making excuses!) But really, after I clean my room, my room scares me. It seems so empty and large and my bed is right in the middle of it. I can't sleep without curling up in fetal position after my room is clean. When my room is cluttered, it feels smaller and less empty, so I'm comfortable, even if it means I can't see my floor.
Now, all that angsty stuff is out, I actually feel better. These flashes of emotion come and go often and at inconveniant times...I'm sorry if I made anyone sad :(
Now, I really have to go to sleep. I spent an hour writing this. It is now 7:13am and my family is waking up. So I need to be asleep!
~otaku-chan~
holy crap that's a long post!!! But that's great that you accepted Christ into your life. This deserves a party.
ReplyDeleteaww..... Kaitlyn!! remind me to hug you tomorrow.....
ReplyDeleteinstead of writing an uber-long comment, i'm gonna write a post for you, ok?
PS: please take the 'code-thingy' off the comments page. it takes me like three tries because my computer interprets it wrong!
I'm you accepted Christ into your life. I feel the same way sometimes too...but not anymore. Like my farther says "Know one will love you until you learn to love yourself for who you are." He told me that when I was 12. I had a really hard time when I was 11 and 12. Bad memories. Yuck. But I'm trying to leave that all behind me. End every day with a Smile on your face.
ReplyDelete~Leah~
1. I was going to give you that song, actually... it's perfect! Because it's true, you always do have Jesus and your friends. What Kat wrote on her blog is true, i'm always here to talk. i've gone through SOOO much of this self-hatred stuff, and i've gotten through (most) of it. and God has really burdened me with this NEED to help others get through the same thing, so please let me know if you need ANYTHING!
ReplyDelete2. you are so, so beautiful. really. you are. inside and out. i know it's hard to believe, but i don't just say that cuz i'm trying to make you feel better...
3. you are GREAT at being a friend! last night, or whenever post-prom was, you stuck with me when i was feeling totally alone and useless. and i love listening to what you're thinking! you are so funny, especially about your games! and you're an excellent listener, too. i couldn't ask for a better friend.
4. oh, jeez... it is so hard not knowing God's plan! i mean, i've always had this general idea that it includes (for me) writing and being a mom, but sometimes i wish God would just plant a huge poster in front of me that says, "Rachel, do this! No, not that! Go THIS way! Argh!" haha i'm not good at listening to directions even when he does give them! but i've learned that the more i read my Bible, the more i feel like God subtly shows me the way i need to go.
5. i've often felt that it would be easier to die for someone, so it's like being unselfish but also leaving all this stuff behind and being in heaven, you know? and if that's the way God expects us to go, then that opportunity will present itself. but what's more important in the here and now (and sadly, harder to do) is living for others. but you are one of the most unselfish people i know!
6. i am so proud of you for stepping out beyond your comfort zone! it's hard, i know, but you're doing so well!
7. everyone has weird fears, trust me. for me, it's throwing up and tornadoes and going crazy, among other things.
8. I LOOOVEEE YOUUUU!!